Saturday, 25 January 2014

15 things I haven't learnt at university.

Did you miss me?

Of course you did. I've been absent for MONTHS. I don't actually know how you coped, but well done for pulling through. I'd justify my actions, but basically I'm just a lazy bitch who's finally ventured into student life. 

I'm certain that the world is filled with enough 'diary of a fresher' blogs, so I just thought I'd share a few crucial things I have learnt, and myths I have busted, since starting Higher Educayshun, because learning is what university is all about, right?


1) If you have come to university with visions of 9-5 solid contact time, then you're clearly deranged. Or not doing an Arts degree. Since September I've come to view anything more than 2 lectures per day as unnecessary and completely excessive. Then I remember I'm paying 9 grand a year for this daylight robbery, and feel somewhat cheated.

2) Myth: University is an institution you attend at the peak of your intellectual maturity.


Your years in education work cyclically: you go to nursery, then primary school, then secondary school, then back to nursery. Then if you do an English degree, probably back to school as a teacher... 
University is just like nursery school, but with less education, more vomit, and longer nap breaks. Story Time also moves from the end of the day to the morning after.

3) Joining societies and sports teams is a great way to meet like-minded people and try something new. That's why I joined the women's rugby team, judo, interpretive dance society, rowing, and haiku writing society. 

Ok, I didn't do any of those things, because spending your student loan on pizza and triple vodkas is also an excellent way of making friends. Or alienating people, I can't tell yet.

4) Your true friends will never knock on your bedroom door, so, er, use the lock if you don't want them to stride into your room. That is all we will say on the matter.

5) As with most people in life, the porters will be nice to you if you're nice to them. Fact. Unless you set your fire alarm off twice in a weekend. Or get locked out the house with no phone, in your dressing gown. Apparently they're accustomed to nudity.

6) 9am lectures are crucial to your education and contain the most worthwhile and relevant content for your degree. Particularly the ones with middle aged, male lecturers demonstrating interpretive dance to the semi-comatose lecture theatre. 


7) It's really fun and original to dress up as a group of smurfs, and everyone will laud your ingenuity. 
Ain't nobody got time for Smurfs

Oh wait, no, they won't.

8) If you're at university, you definitely already have an excellent grasp of the English language, and will never look ridiculous trying to pronounce words you've only ever seen written down before.
NB: Apparently the adjective 'posthumous' /pɒstjʊməs/ sounds nothing like the chickpea dip. Who'da thunk it? (also, if you do an English language degree the one thing you will learn is to write in cool letters: see above)

10) Myth: Midnight, as the name suggests, is the middle of the night.

Wrong. Anything between 1pm and 1am is the afternoon.

11) Myth: You should aim to eat 5 different fruit and/or vegetables a day to stay in peak physical condition.

5 portions of fruit and vegetables a week is a realistic expectation. Remember, both wine and ham and pineapple pizza count towards your weekly fruit portions. Also, if the only food you have in the fridge is a jar of curry sauce, pasta is a perfectly acceptable substitute for cereal.

12) Myth: Public nudity is socially unacceptable.

A dare is a dare.

13) Not doing your washing up is the domestic equivalent of genocide. Not even biology students are going to want to inspect whatever super-virus is now colonising your plate. Probably because they're too busy getting degrees, or whatever it is Science students do.

Peach Schnapps is at least 3 portions of fruit.
14) Myth: Everyone is really interested in what you've just learnt in your lecture, particularly if they haven't chosen to study your subject.

Apparently no-one else cares about how to phonetically transcribe connected speech processes.

15) Myth: The north-south divide is a subjective social construct based purely on dated and inaccurate stereotypes. At northern universities, no-one even acknowledges such misguided assertions.

Actually, It is a well known fact that, in addition to the foods mentioned in point '11', northerners consider chips with gravy to be legitimate vegetables. They all eat their evening meals before 6.30pm, and call it 'tea'. The hot beverage made by covering cured tea leaves with boiling water is therefore known as a 'brew'. It is also widely acknowledged that all those who live below Nottingham are southerners, and therefore wear nothing but tweed, spending their spare time frolicking in the countryside annihilating small animals, and people who wear tracksuits, with air rifles. If a dispute occurs, northerners will settle it with their fists (they're all very angry people) and will make up over pie. Southerners, on the other hand, will write a stiff letter to the father of the opposition, and if the problem persists, will draw their duelling pistols. 

As you can tell, I've had an enlightening first term of university, and have taken seriously the advice given to me by tutors and other academic and pastoral advisers to ensure that the next three years of my life will be spent in productive sobriety so as to make the most out of my degree.

Well, nearly.


  1. Love it! A career for you in comedy writing definitely awaits, Miss Davey :)

  2. I love this! Well written and very funny. Hope you're well, Connie Foster-Hall x