Thursday, 2 May 2013

Girl Confessions.

Estimated Time of Survival in wilderness: 3.76 secs

Girl Confessions...

It has come to my realisation that I need to write something. Anything. My problem is that I've sat at my geriatric Toshiba so many times over the past month, waiting for inspiration to hurl itself at me, and it hasn't. Not a sausage. 

This was made more difficult by the fact that every other blogger in the world seems to have almost too much to say for themselves. Of course we're all fascinated to know about the fat free granola and cardboard muffins that Mrs Yummy Mummy knocks up for her four darling children, Tarquin, Ulysses, Rainbow-Blossom and Immodium before packing them off with their au pair Helga to practise for their Grade 8 examinations in bassoon, harp, triangle and Peruvian nose flute respectively, so that she has time to go to her Mandarin evening class, thus aiding her quest to expand (ahem) her organic tampon company outside of Knightsbridge. These people have a lot to talk about, and I'm sure if I'd taken the traditional Gap Year route of backpacking around the Gobi Desert with only a staple gun and rubber band for company, I'd have lots to put in my blog too. But I didn't, and as a result CaptainFunTimes and her chum CaptainFunTimesOnTheRoad have remained pitifully quiet.

That changed, however, when I had the unfortunate experience of stumbling across some old 'notes' that I had posted on Facebook. These notes were questionnaires posted amongst my friends, which you would share on your facebook page, detailing your own responses to the questions. Cheers for unearthing these, Mr Zuckerberg. You really know how to make a girl feel ridiculous. On reading these notes, written in 2008/9 I had to come to terms with the fact that at the age of 14 (probably still now, I'm in denial) I was one of the most tragically un-cool individuals to ever grace the planet with my monumental tragic-uncoolness. After their re-discovery, before hastily deleting them from Facebook, I backed them up on my geriatric Toshiba to use them as a method of discovery of how I've changed over the past 5/6 years. I've amalgamated the questionnaires with the exact answers I wrote then, followed by my responses now as a worldly, mature, respectable, independent adult. Don't judge me; I've done that for you.

1. Do you sleep in your bra?
14yearoldself: no....
2013: Seriously, who wrote this? No, I sleep in my bed, my bras aren't THAT big.

2. Do you sleep with socks on? 
14yearoldself: if i have chilly feet :D
2013: God no, who does that? [...inconspicuously removes socks]

3. Would you rather sleep alone or with someone else?
14yearoldself: alone, more bed space :P
2013: With someone else, Jesus, you only said 'alone' because you had NO CHANCE and a tiny bed.

4.Do you enjoy drama? 
14yearoldself: yesyes.
2013: I don't think they were talking about the lesson at school. But yes, I do enjoy both shocking revelations and their repercussions, and also theatrical, televisual and cinematic works. 

5. Are you a girly girl?
14yearoldself: i can be, my language would say otherwise :P
2013: As opposed to what, a manly man?

6. Who was the last person you hugged? 
14yearoldself: not sure....
2013: Saying 'not sure....' does not make you sound allusive and nonchalant, 14yearoldself. Just admit that no-one wanted to hug you and the last person you did hug was almost certainly the cat. Depressingly, the last person I hugged today was the dog.

7. Small or large purses? 
14yearoldself: LARGE :)
2013: This quiz is quite evidently American, and a purse is in fact a handbag, 14yearoldself, weren't you concentrating in Mean Girls? In all honesty though, who cares? 

Are you short...?
8. Are you short? 
14yearoldself5 FOOT isn't tall is it, not even for a 5 year old with no legs.
2013: [Conveniently skims past the question on realising that my answer has not changed in the past 5 years]

9. Do you like somebody? 
2013: Oi, 14yearoldme, Johnny Depp does not count. And of course I do, my life would be miserable if I liked no-one.

10.Does your Facebook password have to do with a boy? 
14yearoldselfnot in a weird stalkerish way.
2013: Just to clarify, the only male connection 14yearoldme's password had was because my brother had altruistically set up my account and had selflessy incorporated his name into a password I was too dim to change for several years. And now, no, my password does not have anything to do with somebody with a penis, because I'm not silly.

11. Do you care if your socks are dirty? 
14yearoldselfyes, but more so if they are smelly :P
2013: 14yearoldme, what sort of a fuckwit were you? If your socks were smelly then obviously they were dirty as well, you pleb. And yes, of course I care if my socks are dirty, because that is disgusting.

12. Do you think you’re conceited? 
14yearoldselfIf i knew what that meant i could answer the question.
2013: I'm not conceited, I can't help being incredible in every single way. And also beautiful. And thin. And popular. And devilishly intelligent. And witty. And tall. And very important. 

13. Do you dress up on Halloween?
14yearoldselfyes :D last year i dressed up as a pumpkin fairy HAHA!
2013: I think last year was the first time I dressed up for Hallowe'en since the Pumpkin experience. I dressed up as mini mouse, how orij.

14. Are you double jointed? 
14yearoldselfnope, i just have retarded knees which click EVERY time i kneel down.
2013: Ah, they're still clicking five years later. And no, I'm still not double jointed.

15. Where is the weirdest place you have slept? 
14yearoldselfchrist knows haha squishd on jo's sofa was pretty strange....
2013: On the side of a road in Brazil. Or on multiple occasions in night clubs. [googles 'narcolepsy']

16. Has anyone touched/smacked your butt in the past 24 hours?
14yearoldselfnot that i've noticed.
2013: Again, who wrote this quiz? Although I did just grope my own arse to see if an hour's worth of fitness class had improved its pertness. It had not.

17. Is there any type of rumor going around about you? 
14yearoldselfi would hope not :D
2013: If there is, nobody has informed me.

18. Do you call anybody by their last name? 
14yearoldselfyes hehe.
2013: On occasion.

19. How many guys will read this just because it says- Girl Confessions? 
14yearoldselfit's not called that, so i wouldnt' know.
2013: Tut tut 14yearoldself, your punctuation is rank. I will now honour this questionnaire by naming it as such. I think the 'guys' who will read it will do so because they are giving CaptainFunTimes viewing statistics out of pity very interested in what I have to say.

20. What color is your bra that your wearing? 
2013: 14yearoldself, why are you telling the internet what colour bra you're wearing?! ... It's pink.

21. Do you prefer light or dark haired guys? 
14yearoldselfnot too fussed.
2013: Oh bless you, 14yearoldme, of course you weren't were desperate and couldn't afford to be choosy/have standards. Light. 

22. Are you currently frustrated with a boy? 
14yearoldselfnahhhh.oh wait,i'm constantly frustrated with a complete tosser of a 'man'
2013: Hohoho, you spent the next 4 years being frustrated with that tosser-man. And no, I'm not frustrated.

23. What's one thing a guy can do to make you like them?
14yearoldselfLook like jonathon rhys meyers :D:D or make me laugh.
2013: Perhaps if you'd given up on the Jonathan (Jesus you retard, your father's called Jonathan and you can't actually spell it?) Rhys Meyers idea you wouldn't have been such an epic failure in the man department. The correct answer was 'have a functioning penis'. Nowadays my requirements are as follows: Penis. A sense of humour. An ability to engage in conversation. And to be very creative. And clever. And, ergh I'm not fond of the word 'handsome', let's say pretty. Pretty is a nicer word.

24. Do you have a best friend?
14yearoldselfI have many.
2013: Hooray, I still have lots of best friends. 

25. Have you ever had your heart broken? 
2013: Not even the alcohol has broken my liver and brain, maybe.

26. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery? 
2013: I'm not sure the NHS would fund it. Nor my whopping £6.79 an hour. 

27. Do you like your life? 
14yearoldselfI love it :D
2013: YOLO. 

28. Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on?
14yearoldselfno, i fell of a swing into a river with my clothes on, with rosie :D :D
2013: Actually 14yearoldself, you fell OFF a swing. Now Ms Questionnaire, 'the pool' sounds very specific, is there one in particular that I should have jumped into, other than a more generous gene pool?

29. Do you have more friends that are girls or boys? 
2013: Tbh that isn't hard 14yearoldme, I think you had approximately 5 friends who were boys, 2 of whom were imaginary. I think if I were to count, I'd probably still have more friends with boobs than willies.  

30. How long have you had a facebook? 
14yearoldselfSince like end of year 8 maybe? i duno, this account less long.
2013: I'm assuming the question meant a Facebook account. It's now been about 6 years. 

31. Have you ever slapped a boy in the face? 
14yearoldselfYES. sorry george :P :)
2013: Oh God, too many times. I'm a violent little bitch.

32. What are your biggest fears? 
14yearoldselfawkward silences scare me :P
2013: I do still fear awkwardness. And the sea. And heights. And just generally dying prematurely.  

33. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep? 
14yearoldselfi think so.
2013: According to 14yearoldme, I have.

34. Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind? 
2013: For crying out loud 14yearoldself, Jonathan Rhys Meyers and Aaron from Mean Girls don't count.

35. Do you believe in the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater"? 
14yearoldselfi dunno.
2013: Ooh, possibly.  

36. Have you ever had a good feeling about something? 
2013: Less and less frequently nowadays, God I'm a pessimistic little sod.  

37. Do you ever wish you were famous? 
14yearoldselfi suppose so, sometimes :)
2013: I would like to be successful. Illustrious, perhaps. But who would want the baggage attached with 'fame'. It is none of the Daily Mail, or any other gossip magazine's, business that I'm a massive, gay-loving leftie with a penchant for eating cake and getting raucously drunk. They do not need to know every time I engage in frivolous debauchery, have a wee, fall over in public, or am too short for the sensors on automatic doors. 

38. Are you currently missing someone? 

And there we have it. I have just shamelessly presented to you the horrific loser who was 14yearoldme. I hope you feel incredibly cool now. Think of this as a little, ego-boosting, gift from me to you. Because you are much cooler than I ever have been. And ever will be. And if you have taken the time to read this, then thank you, I very much appreciate it and love you somewhere on the scale between a little bit and too much.


  1. hahaa, this actualy made me laugh out loud so much (: It honestly scares me how much you sound just like my friends at school, I'M SO GLAD TO FIND ANOTHER MEAN GIRLS FAN! I hope I can still remember all the quotes when I'm older :D atm I think I may be forever alone too, one of my only friends never to have a boyfriend! (:
    from Emily x

    1. Mean Girls quotes stay with you forever! I could probably quote one line from the twelve or so poems I studied for A level English, but multiple scenes from Mean Girls :P