Wednesday, 25 April 2012

Spoiler Alert...

They say you shouldn't regret what you do, only what you don't do. Wise words, I guess. I've been sitting back and having a little think (dangerous, I know) about the past seven years of my life; and decided I wish I could write a letter to my 11-year-old self, sharing the pearls of wisdom my 18-year-old self has gained. I think it'd go something a bit like this...

Heyhey Lottie, how's it going? (I just called you Lottie, weird huh? People have only just started calling you sort of catches on, but people at school are going to start calling you Dave. Don't panic, you're not trans-sexual...but the nickname never wears off once they've discovered it...gets a bit weird when the teachers adopt it too...) Another weird thing, I'm writing in full sentences, with punctuation and words spelled fully. You're not going to get a phone with a contract till you're 16, so I can understand that typing 'Hi how r u lol' is more cost effective when you pay 12p every time you write texts with more than about 5 words in them, but seriously, stop saying lol and learn to spell. You'll thank me for this advice. LOL is not cool.
Soon you will be the only representative of the Lollipop Guild
You're in year 7 at the mo, how old does that feel?! (You won't understand it just yet, but everyone hates year 7s.) Look around your classroom, you'll notice you aren't the shortest person there. Take LOTS of mental photos, because you'll grow a whopping 1cm over the next 7 years, so enjoy the time you can spend looking like a member of the lollipop guild with your fellow shorties, instead of being the disproportionately short 13,14,15,16+ year old who just about reaches tit-height in photos (*Spoiler Alert* Give Imi a couple of years and she'll be taller than you. Unless you cut off her legs from the knee down right now, there's nothing you can do. SAVE YOURSELF.)
See that girl called Claudia? Someone's going to be a total bitch to her in a couple of weeks and not give her a slice of their birthday cake. You two will bond over your mutual dislike for the aforementioned person, so go over and chat to her. (Also, you're gunna get in a massive fight with one of your 'friends' and Claudia's going to "accidentally" trip one of them up because she's got your back. How cool is that?? Your own personal hit man! So be sure to make friends with her, you guys are going to have a ball.)
Year 7 is a massive learning curve for everyone, so I won't give you too many spoilers, just a few words of advice...
The cat's going to drop mouse intestines on your Geography exercise book, and try as you might, blood stains don't come out. My advice is to print off a picture of something geographical, possibly a globe, and glue it over the top.
Do you really want to do this to yourself?!
GET RID OF YOUR CENTRAL PARTING. I know you're not really into hair and makeup just yet, but seriously, it looks awful, really, really awful.
Ask Mum to buy you some more nice shoes too, because you don't seem to have a problem with going into school on non-uniform day in your Clarks velcro school shoes...I'll fetch you a straight jacket and book you in for some hypnosis therapy because you NEED TO LEARN that they look awful.
Okay, turquoise corduroy trousers aren't your best look either, but nothing can top the outfits you concoct involving a pink and orange tie-dye skirt. You look like a Sunday School teacher on crack; not cool. Do you actually even know what crack is yet? Google it. Or ask Jacob, he knows more than you give him credit for...
Braces aren't fun. I won't even try and lie to you. But they are SO worth it. Until you lose your retainers and your teeth sorta move again...
Year 8 and 9 are fun, but you're a bit of a dick. I know you think it's funny to take the piss out of your teachers...and admittedly, sometimes it is, but cut them some slack!
You're never, ever going to be good at P.E. and even after 8 or so years, you still won't have grasped the rules of netball, so I give you my full permission to muck around as much as you want in those lessons...Although the 'order marks' you pick up will mean you're not allowed to go on the Alton Towers trip with your friends, which I'm not gunna lie, is shit.
More advice, take better care of your phones ya freak, they don't enjoy arse-screen contact, so DON'T SIT ON THEM.
Now, on to the subject of alcohol. 'Alcohol?!' I hear you cry. Yup, that stuff. One day you're going to have an epiphany, and decide that beer is literally the food of Gods. Wise choice dude. Weirdly, you don't really get into booze till you're about 15. Jacob's going to get you very, very drunk on Rum, Pimms and Fruit Juice one evening, so get your bin ready by your bed, you won't make it to the bathroom...No matter how hard you try, spirits just don't like you. (One day you're going to be faced with a glass full of sambuca...don't do it Lottie, I beg of you don't.) For that matter, take care around some booze you bring back from Brazil (YOU GO TO BRAZIL! Damn, I meant to say 'spoiler alert') It costs you the equivalent of about 80 pence...I'm pretty sure in hindsight that it was paint stripper. That's another night of your life you'll never get back...and remember; never trust gingers. Unless it's Hannah or Gracie. Always trust them, they're like your family.
All girls education has a knack of turning people (you) into social retards. There are these things in the world called men, you may have heard of them? Ahh, yeah you're not likely to forget them in a hurry... THAT sex ed video  in year 8 stays with you for a long, long time, although you totally already knew all that stuff, Mum bought you a book when you were 7 years old, remember? *Shudder*
Take care of Jelly, even if she does drop intestines on your school book
People are going to mess you around. They're going to be rude to you. They're going to make you feel like total and utter crap about yourself. It's harsh, but true. And you've just got to learn to laugh it off. That's one of the most important lessons, don't let people get to you. Keep your sense of humour, you're going to need it.
Take care of Rubydog and Angelica the cat. They won't be around forever, I won't tell you when they go because you've got to learn to cherish every moment you have with them. Once you lose someone, they won't come back, so make lots of happy memories for yourself, one day, they'll be all you have.

I'll give you a quick summary because you'll probably have forgotten everything I've said already; too busy worrying that your Maths colouring in homework won't be in on time for tomorrow's lesson. Put down your 'trendy' pink flip up phone and just think before you say LOL in future. Don't let the cat drop guts on your school books. Do something about your horrendous central parting. BURN your school shoes. Don't buy the tie-dyed skirt just because it's on sale in GAP. Learn what crack is and impress your friends with your new vocabulary (although some people don't like swearing, would you believe that?!) Don't be such a cocky little shit to your teachers, at the end of the day they're only trying to help you, and some day you're going to need them on your side. Don't break your phones. Don't mix Rum, Pimms and Tropical Juice together in a cup, regardless of what Jacob says. Don't drink a glass full of sambuca. BEHAVE at Reading Festival, watch out for Brazilian alcohol. Love your pets like there's no tomorrow, because you can't ever get them back once they're gone. Above all Lottie, don't let the bastards get you down. You won't listen to the last bit of advice, no one does. But please, for my sake, try.
That's all for now kiddo, good luck with everything.
Love, the older and wiser, Lottie.
P.S. In your year seven end of year Latin test, make sure you notice before the exam is half over that all the vocabulary you haven't covered in class is written at the bottom of the exam paper. Oh, and learn how to do half equations, you'll kick yourself when you get into the GCSE Chemistry exam and can't remember how to do them.
P.P.S. Your friends and family are always going to be there for you, so take advantage of that, they give pretty amazing advice.


  1. And buy Coke by the brand, not Tesco... ;)

  2. Your Cat looks really cute..that's all. =)
    BTW, I really like your blog but its sort of hard to read with the flowers behind it. =/

    1. Thanks, she was an amazing cat :) Ah man, does the writing not have a solid grey background on top of the flowers?!

  3. LOVE this so much! Great writing x